Return to Part 1
I think that for most people who leave a church after many years, it's been in the making for a long time. You've tried to overlook and explain away. Sometimes, you even manage to convince yourself that you are the problem. But in the end there is usually some incident that is the "last straw". For us, in 2001, it was when someone left the church, and began attending somewhere else. Because they had already resigned their membership, there was no way the pastor could administer church discipline...and thereby stop anyone in the church from communicating with them. So he had to come up with another method. He wrote a letter to the family who had left, telling them to have no contact with anyone, and then had the church vote on this "church action". Of course the vote was a forgone conclusion...no one ever voted against the pastor. My husband was home with one of our children that night, so I was on my own. I wasn't brave enough to vote "No", but I abstained from the vote. About a month later, we left the church.
We began attending another church in another city....after several months we moved to that area. Our new church was of a similar name, and took some of the same stands as the first, but differed on some key doctrines. It was much more in line with what we had believed thirteen years earlier. Though we immediately became members (in the fall of 2001), we remained on the periphery, not quite sure where we fit in, and still recovering from our previous church experience.
It took until 2008 for us to finally feel that we were a real part of this church. My husband had spent much of the previous year helping with a huge building project at the church. He was then asked to take leadership of a new children's program. We were excited about serving in our church!
And that is when we began to notice that things weren't all that different from our previous church. Then a situation happened where once again we were to take part in shunning someone. We received a letter in the mail, telling us to have no contact with this family for one full year. This was not church discipline, it was a decision made solely by the pastor. This was a couple who had been very active in the leadership of the church; always faithful, involved in several ministries. They were NOT in sin...their only sin was in disagreeing with the pastor about how he had handled their family's situation...and he decided he could no longer pastor them.
We were so disheartened...we felt like we had been transported back to our old church. But once again, we tried to continue on..hoping and praying that this situation would be resolved. Eventually, we stepped down from the children's ministry. We couldn't in good conscience continue in a leadership position, while at the same time going against the directive from the pastor. We also could not, and would not turn our backs on people who had been good friends to us for seventeen years, and who now more than ever needed support and encouragement. Once again, we retreated to 'the fringe'.
Life happened, time passed. We were preoccupied with my dad's illness and subsequent death, and our own family's needs. Then two years later, another incident occurred...once again with a faithful couple, active in many ministries. It was like deja vu. We had also learned that this had happened to others in the past.
(and has happened to people since)
In the fall of 2011, we made a decision to move back "home", close to where we both grew up, close to our adult daughters and grandkids. We were extremely busy, building our new house, while living in a camper trailer. Our church attendance was sporadic to say the least. However, we tried to make it there when we could, mainly so our children could maintain their friendships. We fully planned to find a new church in our area, but were just too busy and too exhausted to think about church shopping.
I started this out by saying there is usually a "last straw" that causes people to leave a church. This situation was a little different. In spite of the issues we had with our church, we still planned to go back when we could, and for special occasions. But a funny thing happened when we went to the Christmas Program. The month before, we were asked by the pastor if we wanted to remain on the church directory, to which we responded, "Yes". ( the directory lists anyone who attends, no matter how infrequently) The night of the program, I happened to see the church directory, and our names weren't on it. That explained why we only received a few Christmas cards! Although I wondered why we were asked about the directory, and then not put on, it wasn't a big deal. Then before we left, we were given, along with our Christmas goody bags, four copies of the directory to take home. Funny thing was...our names were on these copies. We got the message loud and clear- we were no longer considered part of the church, and no one needed our contact information....and receiving our own tailor made church directory left us with little desire to return!
What I learned from this second church was that having the right doctrinal statement does not guarantee a right 'practice' or a healthy church. In a healthy church people are not just numbers, or pawns in some game..... You don't shut them down them when they disagree, or 'show their heart'. You don't discard them when they have too many problems. You don't threaten to blacklist them with other churches if they talk. You don't replace them if they aren't performing to a certain standard.....you work through problems, you encourage, you support, you show mercy and grace...over. and over. and over. You forgive 70 times 7 times.
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Seventy Times Seven
(stop song at end of song)
(c)Deborah Bolack 2009
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There's a brother who has stumbled
on jagged rocks along the way.
He's angry and he's hurt;
lashing out just brings more pain.
As he struggles for a foothold
through this dark and lonely place,
what he needs is for God's people
to reach out in love and grace.
~
Unto seventy times seven is how oft we're to forgive.
Are we weary in well doing?
Did we forget what Jesus said?
Can't we bear another's burdens,
and restore the fallen down?
Can't we take the stones we're holding
and cast them to the ground?
~
There's a sister who is weeping
and wondering how things went so wrong.
She's lost her hopes and dreams,
and she's trying to be strong.
But the world just keeps on spinning,
though her life has been laid waste.
What she needs is for God's people
to reach out in love and grace.
~
Unto seventy times seven is how oft we're to forgive.
Are we weary in well doing?
Did we forget what Jesus said?
Can't we bear another's burdens,
and restore the fallen down?
Can't we take the stones we're holding
and cast them to the ground?
~
There are soldiers who are wounded;
some for right and some for wrong.
They've tried to fight the fight,
but the enemy's so strong.
They feel beaten and deserted;
years of service wiped away.
What they need is for God's people
to reach out in love and grace.
~
Unto seventy times seven is how oft we're to forgive.
Are we weary in well doing?
Did we forget what Jesus said?
Can't we bear another's burdens
and restore the fallen down?
Can't we take the stones we're holding
and cast them to the ground?
~
Seventy times seven, Lord Jesus, teach us how
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Matthew 18:21, 22 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
